New iPod features “Buttons”

Apple Computers, a world-renowned computer hardware and software corporation, announced today that its new portable music device device, the iPod Shuffle, will feature a radical new invention called “buttons.”

This mind-bending innovation will allow a user to control an electronic device by depressing one of many small, typically round- or square-shaped objects into a flat surface, instead of using a traditional multi-touch display.

Apple Founder and CEO, Steve Jobs, informed us that buttons will be “far less cumbersome and distracting than touch-screen displays,” and that he “simply cannot wait for millions of users to experience the joys of trying to use Facebook and eat a bag of chips, but instead be jamming hundreds of crumbs into impossibly small, plastic spaces,” the attempted clean-up of which “will help prepare any decent citizen for their time in hell.”

The new iPod shuffle has 2GB of flash memory, and can be had for just $59 from Apple online.

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