New Study Outlines Behavioural Effects of Marijuana

For decades, marijuana has been labeled as one of the most dangerous drugs known to man. Surprisingly, however, most people remain completely ignorant of what makes marijuana so dangerous. Fortunately, three professors set out to change the status quo and educate the general public on the issue.

The long-term study, which asked volunteers to smoke either marijuana or placebo three times per day for 15 years, reported on the negative behavioral effects of the substance. Understandably, it contained some frightening statistics:

  • “Enjoyment” of Music: Marijuana was found to increase the enjoyment of music by a factor of 10. Though this may seem enticing to some, it has been shown that this experience can be far from pleasant. In fact, some users became so inebriated that they felt that they were instead viewing a painting, watching a music video or, as one patient described his experience, “traveling through a vortex of truth and knowledge.”
  • Potato Chip Consumption: The number of potato chips consumed per hour of television watching increased by almost 700% when compared to placebo. Users were also twice as likely to abandon their chosen program and venture from home in a desperate attempt to replenish their supply of chips. However, almost half of those who abandoned their television set also forgot their wallet at home or the purpose of their excursion.
  • Uncontrollable Eating: Users of marijuana are three times more likely to report having enjoyed themselves at a play, musical, or sporting event. However, this should be taken with a grain of salt as 80% of users experienced the munchies, or, as one user described, a “deafening thirst,” up to 20 minutes before intermission or half-time. These exaggerated sensations of hunger and thirst lead to uninhibited bouts of binge eating and drinking which, in turn, resulted in an intense need to visit a washroom facility well before the end of the event.
  • College Drop-Outs: Marijuana users were 40% more likely to not only drop out of college, but were also more likely to start their own business on a whim, or spend years traveling the world for pleasure. For those who started their own business, there was a 30% greater risk of failure in the first quarter, which would instead inspire world travel and enlightenment in the user. Those who ended up traveling the world were 10 times as likely to have fanciful and exciting stories for their future grandchildren, but were, at the same time, 80% more likely to forget their endeavors by the age of 35.

The study was released last Wednesday, and although it has received positive reviews by the police and press, users of the narcotic seem unthwarted. In fact, the release of the study has coincided with record sales of the drug, with some dealers finding it incredibly difficult to keep supply on hand. “It seems to me that the dope on dope is that it’s dope to be a doper!” said one dealer, who chose to remain anonymous.

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