Apple Releases Unchanged iPod Classic

This week, Apple updated its entire iPod and iPhone lineup. The iPod Classic, however, has remained exactly the same for the better part of a decade.

We asked a salesperson from Apple to comment on the complete and utter lack of innovation, but she was unable to find a part number for the item in her inventory. In fact, she seemed so removed from the device that she tried to operate it by prodding at the screen, instead of using the grossly intuitive “click” wheel that made the iPod famous in the first place.

Upon further investigation, we discovered that the the iPod Classic factory is suffering from a situation that resembles that of the Japanese World War II holdouts, who continued fighting in remote areas for up to 30 years after the war had ended. Due to a miscommunication, staff at the plant never got the memo that their product was to be discontinued by the end of the calendar year in 2006. Without further direction, have continued manufacturing and shipping it without question.

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

Staff members at the plant were astonished, and some had some difficulty accepting the news. When asked why he thought it would be reasonable for Apple, one of the world’s leading innovators, to manufacture an electronic device virtually unchanged for almost ten years he said, “We figured that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

It turns out that the only upgrade that happened in the past five years — a change in hard drive size from 80 to 160 GB — occurred only to keep up with demands after the previous part was discontinued by Toshiba. Demand for the product, however, was artificially elevated to 2006 levels and employees were shocked to learn that only 17 iPod Classics were sold by accident in 2011.

Apple has discovered a warehouse full of new, un-shipped iPods and is considering donating them to museums all around the world.

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