Breakfast of champions:

January 7, 2010


– Sean.


The Enigmatic Cheese Grater

September 30, 2008

I last used my cheese grater in August. As usual, I prepared a bowl of Doritos and melted cheese to enjoy after work. Content with my snack, I made my way down to my computer to watch pointless YouTube videos and browse FaceBook in order to waste the rest of my day. But little did I know, this would be the last time that I would see the cheese grater for since this day it has been missing in action. Now, I would say that it has simply been missing, but the anomaly is that there has been clear evidence of its existence since its disappearance. Thus, the cheese grater does exist… it MUST! Let me explain…

The next day I used the same block of cheese the to prepare a tuna salad sandwich. Doing this required slicing the cheese which would intrinsically remove any evidence of previous grating. The following week I purchased a fresh bag of Doritos on my way home from work and was almost giddy with excitement. I couldn’t wait to get home, grate some cheese, toss the chips in the microwave for 25 to 35 seconds, and enjoy one of life’s great pleasures. I grabbed the cheese and reached for the grater, but it wasn’t there! After several minutes of searching it was clearly evident that it was missing. However, when I grabbed a knife to begin finely chopping cheese for my snack instead, I noticed two incredible things; my cheese was significantly smaller than before, and there was shockingly clear evidence of grating! This means that (1) the cheese grater had come into contact with the cheese since I last used it (2) somebody had eaten some cheese, and (3) there was a chance that somebody might know the location of the elusive grater!

But nobody knew… and the problem has persisted. I’ve become too lazy to dice the cheese myself, though I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with their lifeless flavour…. Even now while I write this I sit and eat some cold, cheeseless Doritos.

Has anybody seen this device? What should I do!?