Apple Releases Unchanged iPod Classic

October 5, 2011

This week, Apple updated its entire iPod and iPhone lineup. The iPod Classic, however, has remained exactly the same for the better part of a decade.

We asked a salesperson from Apple to comment on the complete and utter lack of innovation, but she was unable to find a part number for the item in her inventory. In fact, she seemed so removed from the device that she tried to operate it by prodding at the screen, instead of using the grossly intuitive “click” wheel that made the iPod famous in the first place.

Upon further investigation, we discovered that the the iPod Classic factory is suffering from a situation that resembles that of the Japanese World War II holdouts, who continued fighting in remote areas for up to 30 years after the war had ended. Due to a miscommunication, staff at the plant never got the memo that their product was to be discontinued by the end of the calendar year in 2006. Without further direction, have continued manufacturing and shipping it without question.

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

Staff members at the plant were astonished, and some had some difficulty accepting the news. When asked why he thought it would be reasonable for Apple, one of the world’s leading innovators, to manufacture an electronic device virtually unchanged for almost ten years he said, “We figured that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

It turns out that the only upgrade that happened in the past five years — a change in hard drive size from 80 to 160 GB — occurred only to keep up with demands after the previous part was discontinued by Toshiba. Demand for the product, however, was artificially elevated to 2006 levels and employees were shocked to learn that only 17 iPod Classics were sold by accident in 2011.

Apple has discovered a warehouse full of new, un-shipped iPods and is considering donating them to museums all around the world.


No Surprises, come on!

December 20, 2008

You won’t believe this, but I have just noticed something extremely profound! I am 22 years of age, and EVERY SINGLE year since my birth I have experienced cold weather and snow from November to March. How could this be? Well, I have collected some data and come up with the following hypothesis: The season “winter” comes once a year and can be assumed with great conviction to commence in November, and end in March. However, what’s most interesting about this hypothesis is that A) it comes at the same time every year, and B) it is a yearly phenomenon, i.e. it is never missed, skipped or forgotten. But this raises even bigger questions, and I feel the following statement can really bring light to our understanding of this issue: Perhaps once a year the big man up in the sky decides that it should be winter in our hemisphere and we are faced with several months of bitter cold and snow. Since he is omnipresent and all-knowing it would be impossible for him to forget when and where winter is to occur, and therefore we see it every year.

Give me a break!!!!

What’s the problem, Calgary? Winter is no surprise, but every time we face it Calgary Transit grinds to a halt, city snow removal crews are nowhere in sight, and people forget how to drive! There are no excuses. If it’s too difficult to operate an at-grade public transportation system in the winter months (1/4 of EVERY YEAR) maybe it should have been placed UNDER GROUND! When – not if – it snows, send out the snow removal crews. And, if you have difficulty driving in ice or on snow… LEARN THE FUCK HOW FOR GOD’S SAKE, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE IF YOU DON’T! It takes practice… you can’t just pull these skills from your ass!!

It’s unbelievable the mayhem we see in this city that is related to one of the most predictable phenomenons in the world: The changing of the seasons. I can’t wait until we realize how to deal with it…

On a lighter note, my furnace appears to be working properly again (*knocks on wood*).


Fucking Calgary

September 19, 2008

Enjoy reading the Herald this morning.

I picked up an “early edition” copy around 1:30am downtown and had the pleasure of reading THE MOST ignorant Inbox submissions I have EVER read or even imagined. The whole redneck Calgarian mentality isn’t funny anymore. Fucking ignorant assholes deserve the crime they are seeing to help them wake the fuck up.

I am seriously disturbed by what I read and I can’t wait to escape this hellhole in only 7 months.

Wow. More on this over the weekend. My need to vent has reached an all-time high.