New Study Outlines Behavioural Effects of Marijuana

December 16, 2010

For decades, marijuana has been labeled as one of the most dangerous drugs known to man. Surprisingly, however, most people remain completely ignorant of what makes marijuana so dangerous. Fortunately, three professors set out to change the status quo and educate the general public on the issue.

The long-term study, which asked volunteers to smoke either marijuana or placebo three times per day for 15 years, reported on the negative behavioral effects of the substance. Understandably, it contained some frightening statistics:

  • “Enjoyment” of Music: Marijuana was found to increase the enjoyment of music by a factor of 10. Though this may seem enticing to some, it has been shown that this experience can be far from pleasant. In fact, some users became so inebriated that they felt that they were instead viewing a painting, watching a music video or, as one patient described his experience, “traveling through a vortex of truth and knowledge.”
  • Potato Chip Consumption: The number of potato chips consumed per hour of television watching increased by almost 700% when compared to placebo. Users were also twice as likely to abandon their chosen program and venture from home in a desperate attempt to replenish their supply of chips. However, almost half of those who abandoned their television set also forgot their wallet at home or the purpose of their excursion.
  • Uncontrollable Eating: Users of marijuana are three times more likely to report having enjoyed themselves at a play, musical, or sporting event. However, this should be taken with a grain of salt as 80% of users experienced the munchies, or, as one user described, a “deafening thirst,” up to 20 minutes before intermission or half-time. These exaggerated sensations of hunger and thirst lead to uninhibited bouts of binge eating and drinking which, in turn, resulted in an intense need to visit a washroom facility well before the end of the event.
  • College Drop-Outs: Marijuana users were 40% more likely to not only drop out of college, but were also more likely to start their own business on a whim, or spend years traveling the world for pleasure. For those who started their own business, there was a 30% greater risk of failure in the first quarter, which would instead inspire world travel and enlightenment in the user. Those who ended up traveling the world were 10 times as likely to have fanciful and exciting stories for their future grandchildren, but were, at the same time, 80% more likely to forget their endeavors by the age of 35.

The study was released last Wednesday, and although it has received positive reviews by the police and press, users of the narcotic seem unthwarted. In fact, the release of the study has coincided with record sales of the drug, with some dealers finding it incredibly difficult to keep supply on hand. “It seems to me that the dope on dope is that it’s dope to be a doper!” said one dealer, who chose to remain anonymous.

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WikiLeaks Announces Leak of “The Facebook Logs”

December 13, 2010

“The internet is truth’s conduit… the individual is not exempt from the truth.”
Julian Assange (on the release of The Facebook Logs)

WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, announced yesterday amidst the aftermath of his recent release of the US Embassy Diplomatic Cables, that his organization has more to come. Far more. In fact, WikiLeaks will soon be releasing the largest, most comprehensive collection of private information yet: The Facebook Logs.

During a short press conference at an undisclosed location, Assange proudly announced that an anonymous whistle-blower submitted the entire contents of Facebook’s servers to WikiLeaks after a difficult breakup with his long-term girlfriend. He accompanied his leak with the following explanation of his motive. “After consuming two bottles of wine in an attempt to drown my sorrows, I hacked her profile and discovered not only that she had been cheating on me for almost a year, but that she re-gifted a CD that I gave her last Christmas. Enraged, I began to wonder if it was acceptable for a person to have personal secrets, thoughts, ideas, and relationships,” he stated.

One thing led to another, and soon after consuming a hastily rolled “coner” for inspiration, the hacker deployed a hacking bot and reached a state of “moral euphoria.” The bot worked remarkably well, and managed to hack every single user’s profile page and then use Facebook’s new “Download Your Information” feature to upload each user’s information directly to WikiLeaks’ servers. WikiLeaks was grateful for the submission, and has since been overwhelmed by the task of preparing almost 7 billion risque private messages, drunken profile pictures, and incriminating status updates for public release.

We had the chance to briefly question Assange as he tried to escape a posse of young women trying to have unprotected sex with him in an attempt to accuse him of rape under Swedish law. “This is an unprecidented collection of documents,” he said. “The internet is truth’s conduit, and, contrary to popular belief, the individual is not exempt from the truth.” When asked about whether or not individuals’ private relations should be receiving the same scrutiny as government communications, Assange replied, “Truth is truth, and that’s the truth. They say the truth hurts, but I say that if we weren’t all such selfish, lying, conniving assholes, the truth would be rather balmy.”

The users of The Facebook community, which has more than 500 million members worldwide, are understandably enraged by this violation of privacy, and as many as 70% of Facebook users have changed their status to protest and reflect their disgust over this issue.


New iPod features “Buttons”

September 1, 2010

Apple Computers, a world-renowned computer hardware and software corporation, announced today that its new portable music device device, the iPod Shuffle, will feature a radical new invention called “buttons.”

This mind-bending innovation will allow a user to control an electronic device by depressing one of many small, typically round- or square-shaped objects into a flat surface, instead of using a traditional multi-touch display.

Apple Founder and CEO, Steve Jobs, informed us that buttons will be “far less cumbersome and distracting than touch-screen displays,” and that he “simply cannot wait for millions of users to experience the joys of trying to use Facebook and eat a bag of chips, but instead be jamming hundreds of crumbs into impossibly small, plastic spaces,” the attempted clean-up of which “will help prepare any decent citizen for their time in hell.”

The new iPod shuffle has 2GB of flash memory, and can be had for just $59 from Apple online.


UofC Library Files Bible Under “BS”

August 3, 2010

Most people have had the frustrating experience of searching for a library book and being confused by the convoluted filing system. After all, with so many letters and numbers that have nothing to do with the content, how does one find what they are looking for? Luckily, The University of Calgary Library has endeavored to make library perusing one step easier by filing The Bible and other religious materials where they belong: section “BS.”

Helen, a librarian at The UofC was kind enough to let us in on the logic behind the new filing system. “We were trying to decide how to make our library easier to navigate for readers. We realized that libraries have had fiction, non-fiction, and reference sections for years, but there was an issue when filing the religious texts. Seeing as they are the fictional works masquerading as fact, it was most appropriate to give them a section all their own, and name it most appropriately.”

We interrupted The University of Calgary Students’ Religion Society during their afternoon prayer, but they declined comment on the issue saying that they’d never heard of this so-called “Library” on campus, and dismissed the notion of a “building full of books for higher learning” as being “not in God’s image, and most likely hell-bound.”


STD Prevention Fail

February 11, 2010

This was taken in Vancouver in front of The Barclay hotel. What happens at The Barclay, stays at the Barclay! (Don’t bust the sink off the wall, they don’t like that. Haha.)

-Sean.


Red Light Fail

February 6, 2010

I noticed this bizarre occurrence on my walk to work this morning. Believe it or not, the traffic light was showing red and green at the same time, which was an interesting glitch but dangerous to say the least. I hope this glitch was a one-time occurrence, but I couldn’t stick around as I had to catch a bus! (Sorry for the low-res image, I snapped it on my iPhone).

-Sean.


iPad Satirical "Features" List

January 31, 2010

Having not been very impressed with the iPad, I decided to make a satirical entry based on the  “features”section on Apple’s website. Enjoy!

Introducing iPad

It looks like a big iPhone, but it’s really a big iPod Touch.

9.7-inch LED-Backlit IPS Display

With more acronyms than you have ever encountered in a name, the iPad’s LED-backlit IPS display with 178 degree viewing angle is, literally, the most complex display that you have ever seen, and spelled. The display is so bright and glossy that, when used in a dimly lit room at full brightness, it’s guaranteed to not only cause excruciating eye strain, but to burn through your retinas up to 3 times faster than the sun itself.

Performance

The A4 chip inside iPad was custom-designed with only one thing in mind, literally. Its revolutionary “unitasking” capablity will allow you to play a game, or use Facebook, or browse the web, or watch YouTube, each at its own time. And with up to 10 hours of battery life, you can do up to one thing at a time for a very long time indeed.

Connectivity

The 30-pin connector on the bottom of the iPad allows you to dock and charge it. And that’s all. If you want to carry around proprietary adapters to inconveniently sync pictures from your camera, you may be interested in the Camera Connection Kit. If you want to do almost anything else with the device, you may be interested in how thin and light the iPad is. At just 1.5 pounds and .5 inches thin it is the most portable tablet ever. Ever.

-Sean.

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